Fighting Depression, When Even Videogames Don’t Help Me Cope With It.

Ever since I moved from Oregon to North Carolina, my depression has been leaps and bounds better than it had been. I’ve only had two…maybe three “episodes” of depression since April. Most notably, the last episode affected by blog schedule so badly that I had a week of nothing to publish. It sucked. But, it passed and my Counselor and supports will continue to work with me. It’s another battle in a lifelong set of battles that may never end. A depressing thought in and of itself. All I can do is pick up my sword and prepare for the next encounter.

This last particular time around with the depression was a lot less fun. Generally when I do get depression, I can work through it or get it pass by doing chores, exercising or playing videogames. It’s a double whammy on days I have off and I really want to play Witcher 3 or Overwatch though. Thoughts like: “What’s the point”. “I’m terrible anyway”. “Just going to be another losing streak to suffer through”. “You have all of these other things you should be doing” will come from me and hang there in the air with that little element of truth to them. Even if those other things have already been done to begin with. Even if there’s really nothing more I can do, especially when it’s 8:30pm at night. That I’ve already been far and above the productive call of duty for the day. It doesn’t matter when my depression comes again, those thoughts come. Hell, it was so bad that even the a showing of The Big Lebowski in a theater only staved it off long enough for me to get back home and then get the sudden weight of it on top of my shoulders again. It’s not fun.

I’m not really sure what I can do about it when it happens either. I just hope it won’t happen again.

Yes, I have a network of friends I can lean on when it gets bad. But even so, they can’t just magically cure it for me and I don’t want to burden them all day with my problem. So, I have those coping methods as mentioned above. But when even they don’t work, it’s a little bit distressing. All I can do is curl up on my bed and watch an unhealthy amount of Netflix. Which is better than alternatives I suppose. Still, it can be frustrating to deal with, especially when I lose days to it and am unable to work on the blog as such. I’m not really sure what one can do when trying to figure out the coping-coping methods for when the coping methods don’t work haha….

I wrote this just because even people like myself can put on a good public face with depression. They can be dealing with it for days or weekends and not generally let on. I’m far too aware that I keep things close to the chest. Or, at least that I have. It’s how I lived and operated in the past. But all that did was build up the unhappiness in me to the breaking point.

You’d think the blog would be a good outlet for this sort of discussion yet I’ve held back in the past. Something I really shouldn’t do. I have no reason to. Yet, I do. I can’t say why I do either. The blog is mine to do with it as I please and admittedly I’ve focused a little too hard on gaming only topics. But, I do so enjoy doing gaming topics. Hrm. Maybe I need to write a note somewhere that says: “Hey, don’t forget to write about something else”. Heh.

Thanks for reading. If you struggle with depression, please consult your doctors, call a depression hotline or leave me a private message on one of my social networks. I’d be happy to help you.

-Timothy Wetzel

2 Comments:

  1. Learning a lot about you, today. I shall return the favor.

    I’m from (and in currently, though only through the end of my current degree) North Carolina. Grew up around the Charlotte area, Mooresville specifically, and currently in Clayton.

    I struggled with, admittedly mild, depression in middle school and still have bouts with it occasionally, but it’s really rare these days. Think I made it through several years with a scant handful of flare-ups. Luckily for me it mostly manifests as poor decision making, like playing video games too much, heh. The problem is it tends to spiral for me. The lack of sleep tends to make it worse. It can be hard to manage, but as I said, I’ve been lucky and it’s never been a serious problem for me.

    I think the hardest thing about depression is people suck at dealing with it. We don’t talk about it and there’s this stigma that you are irrevocably broken if you have any form of mental health issues and people feel awkward about it. We don’t feel as weird around people with diabetes methinks, though both are similar in that they require carefully tailoring a life to manage.

    • Yea, I agree that we don’t talk about it enough. That’s why I’ve been trying to make an effort to talk about depression on this blog and with others as much as I can. (When appropriate of course). I’ve been given the spiel. “Don’t talk about it, see a pastor, etc”. I’ve ignored that “advice” to my benefit.

      Depression has been there my entire life as my previous counselor and I figured out. It’s just that I’ve never properly focused on it head on. And well, it’s in the current state above.

      Thanks for leaving a comment, I definitely appreciate it.

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